5 Behaviors of Manipulative People

Yahoo.com -Many of us like to think the best of people. We like to think that they shoot straight and are forthright in their intentions. We also like to believe that they will ask for what they want and not resort to crazy tactics to get it.

Unfortunately, however, there are times when we come across those who will do whatever it takes to get what they want…including manipulation. Being manipulated never feels good, but the worst part of manipulation is that often, we don’t even realize that it is happening.

Here are a few ways to know if someone is trying to manipulate you:

Buttering You Up: To get their way, manipulators will often make you feel good so that they can then ask you to do something that they want. The person may first compliment you or tell you what a wonderful job you did on something.

Making you feel good will, in their mind, make it difficult for you to say no…after all, you wouldn’t want to disappoint them or give them reason to think you didn’t deserve the compliment in the first place.

What you can do: Return the compliments and the niceties before saying no

Guilt: This doesn’t only pertain to Catholics and Jewish Mothers; guilt trips have been a successful manipulation tactic for centuries. The saddest part of this strategy is that the victims of this tactic succumb to the manipulators’ demands because they feel they HAVE to, not because they WANT to. In personal relationships, this sets up a co-dependency that is extremely unhealthy.

What you can do: Ask the individual if they want you to do something because you have to or because you want to. If they say they want you to want to do it, tell them that you don’t and that they are trying to force you into something you don’t feel comfortable with.

Broken Record: Probably the most obvious of formats is the broken record tactic. If a person asks you enough or pushes their agenda enough…constantly repeating the question or request over and over again…in slightly different ways, the victim will inevitably give in and give them what they want. Oye!

What you can do: Ask the individual what they don’t understand about the word “no.” Tell them that asking you over and over again isn’t going to change anything and that they are inappropriately over-stepping boundaries.

Selective Memory: This one gets me the most. You swear you have a conversation about a plan and everyone is on the same page, and then one day, the manipulator pretends to remember the conversation completely differently, if at all.

What you can do: Record your conversations…seriously! Okay, maybe not. At least have a witness that you can count on to back you up if the person pulls this shenanigan. Call them out on the fact that they conveniently change the game to fit their needs.

Bullying: If a person doesn’t get their way, they make you out to look or feel like the bad guy…like you are the wrong one.

What you can do: Be firm and tell them that their bullying tactics are inappropriate and unacceptable.

Keep your eyes open for these behaviors and continue to stand your ground to ensure that you aren’t a victim of manipulation. Have you seen any other types of manipulative behavior?

I Apologize For My Absence..

I have DEFINITELY not been on top of my articles as I usually am, and now that the Casey Anthony case is heating up I'm sure I'll be more attuned.

I've been very busy lately with finishing up school (one more semester until my Associate's, finally!!), and the fieldwork that's associated with school. I've been spending many hours working with the disabled, all recreational (arts and crafts, aqua aerobics, cooking and going out to dinner). I love them as friends although I must keep in mind they are still clients that need to be served, professional etiquette is a must.
But GOD I have fun!

I'm also having a ball with my boyfriend, Joey. He may live far away, but he now moved a bit closer (to his parents', in Albany) while the resort (Sagamore in Lake George) he works at closes up for the winter.
He's looking for chef positions in my county, and soon after the New Year should be moving down to be near his baby, me!

I'm so happy with him and we are confident we've found something special and beautiful with eachother (I'm trying SOOO hard not to sound ultra cheesy..Too late!).

Interviewing & Communication Class Journals

Week of 3/23/09:
- Awareness of your presence as a clinician -
What I gathered from class on Monday was that it seemed the main point was that you have to be honestly aware of yourself while in a session- be aware of your reaction, of the way you psychologically attend, and be aware of your body language. I found the SOLER acronym helpful in remembering appropriate body language. Sit squarely, open posture, lean forward, eye contact, and most importantly for what I may need to work on myself- relax! Then, of course, besides myself I need to remember to practice real clinical listening, and remember that the client’s body language will also speak in volumes, (whether supportive or not) to what they’re verbally saying.
Another key concept that I know will help me in the future would be to keep use of open-ended questions. This way I will expand the horizon for the client to develop their own path in discussion and further more helpful conversation.


Week of 3/30/09:
- Good qualities in a clinician -
I enjoyed writing the assignment on the Nancy Grace interviews I would so frequently watch. It’s good in the fact that now whatever program I end up seeing I’m comparing concepts learned in class to what I’m seeing on the screen. Meaningful concepts taken from class this week would include considering the context of a client- meaning relating the client’s current circumstances to their history, either mentally or physically, etc.- and realize again that you’re just seeing a snapshot image of your client. There’s a reason they’re there.
It’s good to look for themes while in session, and I’d want to keep in mind the idea that the client’s problem (or client themselves, depending on how you look at it) is like a puzzle- and the theme of your session would be the picture that you need to complete and put together.
The supportive presence is a very important skill to have in this field, obviously, and for the most part should come naturally. There needs to be a nice presence of genuineness, and acceptance, combined with your availability and possessing the quality of care and warmth.


Week of 4/6/09:
- Video Notes and Levels of Exploration & Evaluation -
The video we watched in class may be a bit outdated, but was generally very helpful. It’s good to see firsthand how a general session is eased into and handled by a clinician, and although it’s silly and comical, the one part that’s really going to stick in my mind will be the opening scene with the bad example of a clinician. He was so great in portraying how horrible a clinician could be- but to be THAT bad is a feat in itself, and it actually gives me confidence in knowing that I’d be at least better than he was.
A very important concept is the levels of exploration and evaluation- it lays the framework for being able to map out just what sort of progress is being made in sessions. The different criteria involving the “circles” (outer, middle, inner) help define how far along your relationship with your client has developed and how much progress you’ve made, relating the deepness in discussion.


Week of 4/13/09:
- Responding Emphatically -
It’s important to be aware of your own biases as a clinician. Being judgmental or holding a bias against a client could but that relationship in jeopardy. Being too pushy and not measuring the client’s readiness to explore could also hurt your progress. Allow yourself to be patient and use your good listening skills to help the client.
Listen for clues in what you’re clients saying through metaphors, like as we discussed, the “I feel like I have the world on my shoulders” line- ask the client to explain what they would mean by this. Keep in mind that providing that relief and support will outweigh the negative.
Do not enable the client in counseling, however. Don’t do all the work for them and have them rely on you as a messiah. Only they can help their own problems in the end.


Week of 4/20/09:
- Role playing and Client In-Take Evaluations -
Our role playing for the different levels helped demonstrate nicely what we need to know when it comes down to differentiating between them. My partner and I had the easiest level, Level 1, which reminds me back of that in-class video with the example of what NOT to do as a clinician, and we obviously had fun with ours. Some are tricky in deciphering which level you’re working with, but the importance is based on where it lies along in that scale.
We also studied our intake evaluations, and as I know I will in the near future take saying this back, I look forward to using this type of paperwork. I feel it’s a good way to keep yourself organized, and I’d personally feel more comforted if I had paperwork to refer to, it’s a great reference to helping any client, and obviously great for laying out the groundwork for client treatment.


Week of 4/27/09:
- Goal Setting, Healthy Relationships, and scales -
The treatment plans sheet handed out and filled in with notes in class helped me understand more about how any problem usually has something secondary following along with it as a symptom, thus why we usually use two goals on this sheet. It helps broaden my perspective that not every problem/diagnosis is as simple or cut-and-dry. As the in-take evaluations did the same, this sheet would be very useful in my own practice in that it would organize clear courses of action and lay out firm groundwork for progress with the client.
The Healthy Relationships handout I found really resourceful, not only as use in counseling, but also just applying to my own personal relationships with others. It points out good communicative skills and self-reflective thinking perspectives that would be helpful to keep in mind when I interact with others myself. As I pointed out in class and sound like a complete geek saying, I actually typed out the whole hand out and posted online on my blog I enjoyed it so much. (HERE)
A third thing covered in class I found resourceful is the use of scales in asking clients about their emotions or feelings. People may sometimes exaggerate their numbers in whatever way, but using that sort of relation is good to get an idea of intensity and is good at furthering conversation and getting feedback from the client.


Week of 5/4/09:
- Walking Away and Re-direction -
A good skill in helping clients along who escalate in whatever negative habits/behaviors they may have would be the “walking away” option, and it’s basically good common sense. A good practice to recommend to the client would be some self-soothing techniques, or encouragement of healthy and positive activities or relationships with others. It’s all about client-based therapy, helping the client change or modify their thought processes.
Also, I’ll want to remember that in escalating or sessions that become hostile, interrupting with a re-direction in the conversation or mood is a good option, and good for those moments when you may not know where to go with the session.