Stacy's Email to Friend Steve Cesare

RE: Hey babe..
Date: Wednesday, October 17,2007 10:26:49 am
From: (SP)
To: (Steve cesare)

Hello, i did have the boys over last weeked, but i also had aunt cany and my cousin and grandpa as well as all of my kids. We had a birthday party and all sorts of stuff so it was crazy. I didnt want to exclude you at all but was more so hopeing that i could have them again soon and it would be more intimate.the kids were all over! dont worry I wont forget you.im sure you understand. i was aslso thinking that my aunt candy time w/them is so extremely limited that i didnt want to take any away from her.
as far asme staying out of trouble....not really. I have been arguing quite a bit w/my husband. as I mature some w/age i am finding that the relationship I am in is controlling, manipulative and some what abusive. as I try to help make changes to this he has become argumentative. tomorrow is our 4 year aniversary and I am not as excited as the years that have past. I dunno?!?!?!?! we'll see what happen I guess, if you could keep me in your prayers i could use some wisdom,protection and strength.
thanks alot, stacy

The email was dicussed on December running of Dateline NBC.

Stacy Peterson's Sister Tells of Gunshot In Home

A gunshot allegedly fired by Drew Peterson narrowly missed his wife, Stacy, this summer as she retrieved a can of soda in the garage for him, she told her sister before she disappeared in late October.

Drew Peterson was in the master bedroom when the gun allegedly went off, according to the account Stacy gave her sister Cassandra Cales. The bullet allegedly pierced the floor and went into the garage below.

"She heard a pow. It scared her. She looked around the garage -- she didn't know what it was," Cales told the Tribune on Tuesday. "Drew went down there. He picked up all the pieces and he never made a report [to police]. He patched the ceiling. Stacy showed me the hole. She peeled the carpet back and showed me where the hole was."

Cales said she sarcastically asked Stacy if the gunshot was an accident. She said her sister just stared at her.
Drew Peterson, 53, a former Bolingbrook police sergeant, has been named a suspect in the disappearance of Stacy, 23, who vanished Oct. 28. State police have labeled the case a possible homicide, and the investigation has led authorities to re-examine the 2004 death of Peterson's third wife, Kathleen Savio, who was found dead in her home in an empty bathtub.

On Tuesday, investigators continued a days-long search of the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal in Romeoville and Lockport for evidence in Stacy's case, and Drew Peterson made a public appeal for money to defend himself.

Cales said the gun incident happened in August.

A minister who counseled Stacy said he met her at a coffee shop in August where Stacy blurted out to him that her husband admitted he killed Savio. The minister said Drew Peterson then called about a meeting, but they never got together.

Cales said she told Illinois State Police and Bolingbrook Police Chief Ray McGury about the gun incident when she reported her sister missing. Bolingbrook police Lt. Ken Teppel said McGury told Cales to report it to state police.

"He did say that Cassandra brought it up. ... We had no report of that either by Stacy or by Drew," Teppel said. "He recognized that it was integral to this investigation and told her to make sure Illinois State Police is aware of it."

Peterson's attorney, Joel Brodsky, dismissed the story as just another rumor about his client.

"I'm sure the police were called and someone was arrested and charged with attempted murder," Brodsky said, his voice laced with sarcasm. "It's more baloney. Just another Elvis sighting."

Cales said that two weeks before Stacy went missing, she found her cell phone bill in Peterson's briefcase, with numbers highlighted and notes scribbled on it.

Cales said Stacy immediately got a new number and had the bill sent to Cales' work.

"She said, 'I can't take this anymore,'" Cales said. Stacy's friends and family have said she told Peterson she wanted a divorce in the days leading up to her disappearance.

Brodsky said his client has been the target of rumors and media attacks since the case broke. Earlier in the day, he sent out a news release announcing the establishment of the Drew Peterson Legal Defense Fund to help defray legal fees associated with the case and to hire a private investigator to search for Stacy.

Peterson launched a Web site, which had a short section of text explaining that the media has sensationalized the story, causing hardship for Peterson and his children. The news release said Peterson would not receive any money from the fund for his personal use.

Pam Bosco, a spokeswoman for Stacy's relatives, said she was not surprised by the appeal for money.

"The first thing that comes to my mind is that we must be hot on the trail for him to do something like this," Bosco said.

She dismissed the claim that the money would be used to hire a private investigator, saying Peterson had ample time to help look for his wife but chose not to do so.

Brodsky said his client has to contend with an investigation involving 64 Illinois State Police investigators, as well as "dozens, if not hundreds," of FBI agents.

Even though Peterson has not been charged with a crime, Brodsky said the sheer manpower arrayed against him is daunting, leading to equally daunting costs to prepare a possible defense.

"I mean, the cost of the independent forensic pathologist alone, he wanted $10,000 upfront," Brodsky said. "And that's not counting lawyers' fees and all sorts of other costs."

But by Tuesday evening, the Web site was suspended because it was generating too much traffic, according to its Web host, HostMonster.com. A customer service representative said http://www.defenddrew.com/ was taking up nearly 4,500 connections on the server, leaving only a little more than 500 connections free for all other sites.

Meanwhile, a site for Stacy Peterson, FindStacyPeterson.com, began accepting donations for volunteer searchers for her.

The money would be used to pay for food, gas and lodging for searchers, as well as for fliers, sonar equipment and airplane rentals and fuel. The Web site has drawn a lot of traffic since it was launched, said Anthony Laatz, site administrator. About 100,000 people visit a day, he said.

A hearing was scheduled for Wednesday on Brodsky's motion to have items seized by police -- including Peterson's vehicles and 11 guns -- returned to his client.

Prosecutors filed a response Tuesday, saying they had no objection to returning two iPods and 23 music CDs seized last month, but argued they have the right to retain custody of the GMC Yukon Denali SUV and Pontiac Grand Prix, the guns, computers and a backpack containing items of Stacy's.

Stacy Peterson's Sister Talks About Gunfire

MIKE PUCCINELLI: "Tonight Stacy's Sister, Cassandra Cales is speaking out about it. Drew Peterson is also weighing on that story on the same day his lawyer went before a judge in Will County to argue that police should be foreced to return some of Peterson's property.

Among the items they want back, two cars and eleven guns, one of which may have been fired inside the Peterson home." Cassandra Cales is talking about the time she says her sister Stacy Peterson told her she was almost shot in her home. Cales said it happened just a few months before her sister disappeared."

CASSANDRA: "She told me that Drew's gun had went off while she was in the garage getting a soda when he had come home from work. And she peeled the carpet opened and showed me a bullet hole through the floor." Cales said her sister had gone to the garage at the request of her husband." CASSANDRA: "She heard a bang or pow or didn't know what happened and when she went back upstairs Drew said his gun had went off."

Stacy's Pastor: Drew Confessed He Killed Kathleen to Stacy

This is a rush transcript from "On the Record ," December 10, 2007. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN, HOST: Last week, we told you about a report involving Stacy Peterson's pastor, that Stacy told him Sergeant Peterson admitted to murdering wife number three, Kathleen Savio.
Is it true? Did she say that? Well, now you will hear from the pastor himself. We sat down with Pastor Neil Schori earlier.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
VAN SUSTEREN: When was the first time you ever met or heard the name Stacy Peterson?
NEIL SCHORI, PASTOR STACY CONFIDED IN: Probably about two years ago. She was just someone who came to the church. Got to know her that way.
VAN SUSTEREN: Was she active in your church?
SCHORI: At different points, she'd be somewhat active. She was sort of a hit-and-miss kind of person, but I got to know her to a certain extent that way.
VAN SUSTEREN: How about her husband?
SCHORI: He would come less frequently, but he was also an attender.
VAN SUSTEREN: During the first year that you knew her, did you ever, you know, meet privately with her? Was it simply that she would come to church on Sunday and listen to your sermon?
SCHORI: Well, I was not the lead pastor of the church, so I didn't do too many sermons. But I - in the role that I played as a counseling pastor, I met - I met Stacy probably a year - somewhere in the first year of being at the church. So initially, I got to know her at the church, and then she reached out.
VAN SUSTEREN: I don't know if this is the right question, but in the first times that you met with her, sort of run-of-the-mill - if there is a such thing as run-of-the-mill issues a young housewife, young mother, that type of thing?
SCHORI: Sure, just like anybody's issues with life. I mean, nothing huge, nothing extremely out of the ordinary, just somebody who was dealing with life as a young mom.
VAN SUSTEREN: What was your first impression of her?
SCHORI: I thought she was very sweet. I think most people who meet her, their initial impression is that she's a very, very kind person, someone who - you don't have to be around her very much to figure out that she really loves her children. She talks about them incessantly.
VAN SUSTEREN: And your first impression of Sergeant Peterson, when you met him?
SCHORI: He was - he was nice enough. He was a little more reserved.
VAN SUSTEREN: Let's say up until, like, July or August of this year, how would you characterize the marriage? Was it a strong one, a growing one, a weak one (INAUDIBLE)? How would you describe it?
SCHORI: There were certainly issues. Some were just regular issues. Some seemed a little more - a little deeper, I could say.
VAN SUSTEREN: I know it's impossible to predict the future, but at the time when you were meeting with them, did you think that these problems were insurmountable, or you thought that they were just sort of the bumps and scrapes of a marriage?
SCHORI: You know, I try not to look at any obstacles as insurmountable related to marriage. I always believe there's hope, if people are willing to make changes, regardless of who they are.
VAN SUSTEREN: Was it a marriage, though, that was just hanging out, or did you - or were they both - did they both seem determined to work on it?
SCHORI: Well, they seemed in some ways determined to work on it. Both at them at different points would say that. But I definitely saw - I definitely saw a reason for deep concern.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did there come a time after July that Stacy called you and met with you alone?
SCHORI: Yes, she did. Yes, in August.
VAN SUSTEREN: Do you remember receiving that call?
SCHORI: I do.
VAN SUSTEREN: Were you at your church?
SCHORI: I was.
VAN SUSTEREN: What did she tell you she wanted to meet with you for?
SCHORI: I hadn't spoken with her in, oh, probably two or three months and she hadn't really been around the church recently. And she called me. It was just a regular phone call. And she just said, Hey, could we get together? I just have some stuff I'd like to talk about. And that wasn't really unusual. It was just that it had been probably several months. And I said, Sure. I said, When can you do it? And she told me, and it was - I believe it was the next day. And I actually had availability, which is unusual for me to have availability right away, but I agreed.
VAN SUSTEREN: Where did you agree to meet?
SCHORI: We met at a coffee shop in Bolingbrook.
VAN SUSTEREN: How did the conversation start?
SCHORI: I walked up and I saw her and she said, Oh, it's great to see you. And we sat down and small talk, like you would with anybody that you hadn't seen in a while. And then we talked more about the issues that she had and why she wanted to meet with me that day.
VAN SUSTEREN: And what did she describe as the reason that she needed to meet with you?
SCHORI: Again, it was some of the same relationship issues that she had concerns about, but she kept leading me to believe that there was some other reason that she had for meeting that day.
VAN SUSTEREN: Were you able to get that reason from her, or did she want to talk about it? How did that happen?
VAN SUSTEREN: Well, I try not to push people into an area that they're uncomfortable, and I gave her - I gave her an out. I said, If you'd like to share it with me, I'm here to hear it, I said, but there's no pressure. You don't have to feel like you have to share anything you're not comfortable with. So if you are - if you are comfortable, please share it. And we talked about various other things, and then she blurted out the reason.
VAN SUSTEREN: Which was?
SCHORI: She said, He did it.
VAN SUSTEREN: Just like that.
SCHORI: Just like that.
VAN SUSTEREN: Do you know what the reference point was, as that point, that, He did it?
SCHORI: I had a feeling, but I needed clarification, so of course, I followed up.
VAN SUSTEREN: How did you happen to know that that - I mean, had you spoken about the "He did it" aspect before with her?
SCHORI: I had never spoken with her about that before. I had just heard casual conversations in the community and in my own church about speculation over an interesting death of Mr. Peterson's wife, his third wife.
VAN SUSTEREN: So when she said, He did it, what did you believe that to mean?
SCHORI: I believed, unfortunately, that it was exactly what I thought, and I believed that it was related to the death of his wife. But I clarified, and I said, He did what? And she said, He killed Kathleen. And I was really blown away. I was reeling inside.
VAN SUSTEREN: So how - what did do you?
SCHORI: I asked for more specific things. She gave me details that I really can't share. But I just got her talking about it and asked her what - this is a crazy amount of information. Again, I asked her, What exactly can I do with this? Why did you tell me? I asked her if she had ever told anyone else. She said at the time, she had never told another person.
VAN SUSTEREN: What was the reason for her all of a sudden do you think or the compulsion to suddenly tell you? What was - what was eating at her, or why did she want to tell you?
SCHORI: I've wondered that for two-and-a-half months. I hope that it's because she looked at me as a safe person that she could share some very important information with. It's really speculation, at this point.
VAN SUSTEREN: How do you know that it wasn't just speculation on her part, you know, that she had information that he had - did it?
SCHORI: She had specific information.
VAN SUSTEREN: Like?
SCHORI: She had specific information about his not being in the house.
VAN SUSTEREN: The night Kathleen died?
SCHORI: Uh-huh.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she say she'd ever confronted him about it?
SCHORI: They talked shortly after that about it.
VAN SUSTEREN: And did he admit it to her, or did she put two and two together?
SCHORI: It was more than just putting two and two together. It was not speculation on her part.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she see something?
SCHORI: No.
VAN SUSTEREN: Was there any - besides the fact that he wasn't home that night, did - were there any other clues or signs that he wasn't just - I mean, I don't why anyone would brag about it, but I mean, that he wasn't just lying about it or trying to scare her or something?
SCHORI: Well, she shared details with me that I can't - I'm not comfortable getting into, but it was very clear. It was very clear that this was not just speculation. She was not jumping to conclusions.
VAN SUSTEREN: Why did she stay with him after that?
SCHORI: That's a really good question. My guess would be out of fear.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she ever say she was afraid of him?
SCHORI: Yes.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she say she was going to leave him?
SCHORI: Never - she never told me she was going to, no.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she ever give an explanation or did Drew Peterson ever say to her why he did it?
SCHORI: Not that she told me.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she ever talk to the police?
SCHORI: She never shared this with the police.
VAN SUSTEREN: Police ever go to her and ask her?
SCHORI: She was interviewed by the police.
VAN SUSTEREN: She didn't tell them?
SCHORI: She didn't tell them that, no.
VAN SUSTEREN: What did she tell them?
SCHORI: I don't know that for sure. I just know that she did not tell them that.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she say why she didn't tell the police, you know, when they talked to her about Kathleen Savio's death, what she knew?
SCHORI: I believe she was simply afraid.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
VAN SUSTEREN: More from the pastor coming up. Does he think Stacy is alive?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
VAN SUSTEREN: Here's is more with Stacy Peterson's pastor, Neil Schori.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
VAN SUSTEREN: So what did you do? I mean, it's a rather awkward situation. You're in a coffee shop and she tells you that her husband murdered wife number three.
SCHORI: Well, I tried to control my own anxiety that I felt just hearing this information. But then I just followed up with her and said, Well, this is a lot of information you just gave me. And she said, I just had to get it off my chest.
VAN SUSTEREN: What did she expect you to do with it, do you think?
SCHORI: I think she expected me to do exactly what I did with it, and not say anything at that time.
VAN SUSTEREN: Be a sounding board?
SCHORI: I believe so.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she have any intention of going to the police with information?
SCHORI: I don't think so. That's speculation on my part, but I don't think so.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she have any solid information he did it? Let me back up a second. He actually confessed to her to having killed Kathleen Savio?
SCHORI: Yes.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did she tell you what words he used?
SCHORI: I'm not sure that I can give that detail.
VAN SUSTEREN: Can you give us at least some little idea? We're trying to - I'm trying to figure out whether this is, you know, the fantasy of a woman who's distressed her marriage is falling apart, or whether it's the real deal. Do you know what I mean? It's, like - you know, it's hard to sort of sort through that. You know, when people get divorced or have unhappy marriages, you know, they say - as you know, they say all sorts of things about each other.
SCHORI: Right. Sure. Sure.
VAN SUSTEREN: But was there any sort of, you know, strong clue that made you think that, This is it, this is the real deal?
SCHORI: Well, the one thing that he did say to her was, You know where I was, as if she knew. And she said, What do you mean? And he said, You know where I was.
VAN SUSTEREN: And this was how soon after the murder?
SCHORI: This was the morning after.
VAN SUSTEREN: And that was all he said.
SCHORI: All that I feel that I can share, yes.
VAN SUSTEREN: Have you spoken to Sergeant Peterson since she vanished?
SCHORI: No, I have not.
VAN SUSTEREN: How about between the time she spoke to you in August and the time that she disappeared? Did you talk to him at all?
SCHORI: I did not talk with him. He reached out to me after that meeting with her that August morning.
VAN SUSTEREN: And how did he reach out?
SCHORI: He had suggested that since I had met with Stacy - he knew that, and he said that he'd like to get together because he hadn't seen me for a while.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did you get together?
SCHORI: No.
VAN SUSTEREN: Do you think he knew she told you that?
SCHORI: That's a really good question. That's a really good question. I don't know that I can even answer that.
VAN SUSTEREN: How soon after did he call you, after you met with her in the coffee shop and she said that he...
SCHORI: There was a message on my voice-mail at the church when I got back after meeting with her.
VAN SUSTEREN: That soon?
SCHORI: That soon.
VAN SUSTEREN: And then you responded to the voice-mail.
SCHORI: Uh-huh.
VAN SUSTEREN: Did you get him or did you get the voice-mail?
SCHORI: I checked my voice-mail, and then I called him back.
VAN SUSTEREN: And you reached him?
SCHORI: I did.
VAN SUSTEREN: And the conversation went how?
SCHORI: Pretty much just like the voice-mail. He just said, Hey, I'm just trying to get a hold of you. I thought maybe we could meet since you just met with Stacy. And I - I sort of backed out of doing that.
VAN SUSTEREN: Your heart must have been in your shoes when you got that voice-mail.
SCHORI: Oh, my gosh. Sure
VAN SUSTEREN: You know, right after.
SCHORI: Sure. My mind was everywhere.
VAN SUSTEREN: Do you think she's alive?
SCHORI: I sure hope and pray that she is.
VAN SUSTEREN: What do you think?
SCHORI: I don't believe so.
VAN SUSTEREN: What makes you, as you sit there now, believe Stacy, that she was telling you the truth that Sergeant Peterson had confessed to killing Kathleen Savio?
SCHORI: Right. Because the very specific details that Stacy shared with me that morning are being backed up by the investigation that's being done and is being reported in the news.
VAN SUSTEREN: So stuff you're reading about now is...
SCHORI: Is - completely backs up what she said.
VAN SUSTEREN: Is there anything else you want to - that I haven't asked you in this interview, that you want to add to this interview?
SCHORI: I would just like to say that if there is somebody out there that has information related to Stacy, and for whatever reason, they have not come forward yet, that now is the time to do it because this is a missing mother. There are four kids that need their mom. And it's always the right thing to do right.
VAN SUSTEREN: Tough, though.
SCHORI: Tough, very tough. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it's the right thing to do.
(END VIDEOTAPE)

Stacy's Voicemail to Family

"Stacy's family has posted a voice mail message online [12/07/2007] that the missing mother of two left with her father on Oct. 17, giving him her new phone number and telling him she loved him.

The family believes it is evidence that she was not planning on running away.

It's the first time the public has heard her voice. "Hey dad! It's me, Stacy. I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you," she says in the voice mail."

Article here...

Drew's Showdown with Stacy's "Boyfriend"

"He {Drew Peterson] asked me how I'd react if my wife was with another man," Scott Rossetto said Wednesday after testifying before a Will County grand jury looking into Stacy Peterson's disappearance. Stacy Peterson had told her husband she planned to meet {Scott] Rossetto at the Denny's, Rossetto said.

Drew Peterson told her not to go, and when she defied him, Drew Peterson showed up at the restaurant in his Bolingbrook police sergeant's uniform and sat down at their table. He didn't rant or rave. He was "quiet mostly," Rossetto said.

The 35-year-old registered nurse from Shorewood denies having an affair with Stacy Peterson but acknowledges he traded racy text messages and e-mails with her. "Some of the messages were quite perverted and flirty in nature, but they were all meant in fun," Rossetto said. "[Was I] Interested in dating? No. Flirting? Yes." But police sources dispute that. A source characterized Rossetto as her ''boyfriend.'' The source said the messages were indeed "very sexually explicit," and appear to show them talking about sexual encounters they shared and asking if the other enjoyed it."

Investigation Reopens Into Death of Cop's Third Wife After Fourth Wife Disappears

CHICAGO - Authorities reopened an investigation this week into the death of a Chicago suburb police sergeant's third wife after his fourth wife disappeared.

Stacy Ann Peterson, 23, was reported missing Sunday after she didn't arrive to a friend's house. Peterson is married to Bolingbrook police Sgt. Drew Peterson, 53, who is cooperating with police and is not considered a suspect.

"At this time there is no indication of any type of foul play or anything suspicious," said Lt. Ken Teppel, a spokesman for Bolingbrook Police Department.

State police are following up on leads, reviewing voicemails, text messages, e-mails and talking to family and friends in attempts to find the missing woman.

Drew Peterson told reporters Wednesday that he believes his wife is alive and said he is being treated unfairly in this case. Peterson urged the media to focus on looking for his wife and not on his past.

"Our interest right now is Stacy and finding Stacy," said Trooper Mark Dorencz.

In 2004, Drew Peterson's third wife, Kathleen Savio, 40, was found dead in a bathtub, and a coroner ruled the death accidental. Prosecutors are reviewing the case.

Documents show that Savio filed for an emergency order of protection from her husband, writing in the file that "he wants me dead and if he has to he will burn the house down just to shut me up."

Stacy Peterson's family reported her missing early Monday, asking the state police to investigate.

Betty Morphey, Drew Peterson's mother, told FOX News that she just saw Stacy last weekend, talking about plans for Thanksgiving.

Morphey said she doesn't know anything about her disappearance, adding that Drew and Stacy were happy.

"As far as we know, everything is fine with them. They get along," Morphey said.

But Stacy Peterson is the third wife to vanish in the last six months in the Chicago area, the latest in a series of mothers whose families say they would never leave their children behind.

Chicago police found a body believed to be that of missing 39-year-old Alma Mendez, a mother of three, who disappeared Sunday on a jog near a forest preserve.

Mendez was last heard from on Sunday at about 2 p.m. when she left a friend a voicemail saying she had something important to talk about.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday, the family of Lisa Stebic, a Plainsville, Ill,. mother of two who disappeared six months ago, held a candlelight vigil in her honor. Stebic's estranged husband, Craig, and two children were not there.

The family of Lisa claims Craig Stebic cut all communication between Lisa's sisters and the children.

"Their last connection to their sister has now been severed," said Melanie Greenberg, cousin of Lisa Stebic.

Police named Craig Stebic a person of interest in the disappearance of his wife in July.

FOX's WFLD Chicago and The Associated Press contributed to this report.

Twilight Zone Accident

Warning: Just a taaaad graphic..

When My Sister Was A Baby Part II

When My Sister Was A Baby..

Once upon what seems a long time ago now, my baby sister was born..
I wish she could be this small again, but at least we have pictures to remember how precious she was. =]

Teenager Dies at Disneyland Paris

BBC News- French police are investigating the mysterious death of a 14-year-old girl who lost consciousness while riding on a roller coaster at Disneyland Paris.

The Spanish teenager's friends noticed she was unconscious when the RockNRoller Coaster ride had stopped.

Medical teams at the theme park tried to revive her but by the time an ambulance arrived, the girl had died.

A preliminary inspection of the roller coaster found no machinery malfunction, but the ride remains closed.

Disneyland spokesman Pieter Boterman said the ride would not reopen until the cause of the girl's death was determined.

The ride is at the Walt Disney Studios Park in Marne-la-Vallee, east of the French capital.

Kurt Vonnegut: Miss Temptation

In this rather short story written by Kurt Vonnegut, Fuller is a eighteen month veteran of war who comes home to a small town and encounters a “temptress” in their local drugstore. The temptress is Susannah, who is a young struggling actress staying in town awhile.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Temptation
Fuller felt his lips move, heard the words come out.
“Who do you think you are?” he said to Susanna.
“I beg your pardon?” said Susanna. She drew her newspapers about herself protectively.
“I saw you come down the street like you were a circus parade, and I just wondered who you thought you were,” said Fuller.
Susanna blushed gloriously. “I-I’m an actress,” she said.
“You can say that again,” said Fuller. “Greatest actresses in the world, American women.”
“You’re very nice to say so,” said Susanna uneasily.
Fuller’s skin glowed brighter and hotter. His mind had become a fountain of apt, intricate phrases. “I’m not talking about theaters with seats in ‘em. I’m talking about the stage of life. American women act and dress like they’re gonna give you the world. Then, when you stick out your hand, they put an ice cube in it.”
“They do?” said Susanna emptily.
“They do,” said Fuller, “and it’s about time somebody said so.” He looked challengingly from spectator to spectator and found what he took to be dazed encouragement. “It isn’t fair,” he said.
“What isn’t?” said Susanna, lost.
……....................................................
He stood. “Miss,” he said, his voice full of pain, “you do everything you can to give lonely, ordinary people like me indigestion and the heeby-jeebies, and you wouldn’t even hold hands with me to keep me from falling off a cliff.”
He strode to the door. All eyes were on him. Hardly anyone noticed that his indictment had reduced Susanna to ashes of what she’d been moments before. Susanna now looked like what she really was-a muddle-headed nineteen-year-old clinging to a tiny corner of sophistication.
“It isn’t fair,” said Fuller. “there ought to be a law against girls acting and dressing like you do. It makes more people unhappy than it does happy. You know what I say to you, for going around making everybody want to kiss you?”
“No,” piped Susanna, every fuse in her nervous system blown.
I say to you what you’d say to me, if I was to try and kiss you,” said Fuller grandly. He swung his arms in an umpire’s gesture for “out.” “The hell with you,” he said. He left, slamming the screen door.

He didn’t look back when the door slammed again a moment later, when the patter of running bare feet and the wild tinkling of little bells faded away in the direction of the firehouse.

Kurt Vonnegut: Long Walk to Forever

Long Walk to Forever

They had grown up next door to each other,on the fringe of a city,near fields and woods and orchards,within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind.
Now they were twenty,had not seen each other for nearly a year.There had always been playful,comfortable warmth between them,but never any talk of love.

His name was Newt.Her name was Catharine.In the early afternoon,Newt knocked on Catharine's front door.

Catharine came to the door.She was carrying a fat,glossy magazine she had been reading.The magazine was devoted entirely to brides."Newt!" she said.She was sur- prised to see him.

"Could you come for a walk?" he said.He was a shy person,even with Catharine. He covered his shyness by speaking absently,as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful,distant,and sinister points.This manner of speaking had always been Newt's style,even in matters that concerned him desperately.

"A walk?" said Catharine.

"One foot in front of the other,"said Newt,"Through leaves,over bridges--"

"I had no idea you were in town,"she said.

"Just this minute got in,"he said.

"Still in the Army,I see,"she said.

"Seven more months to go,"he said.He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled.His shoes were dusty.He needed a shave.He held out his hand for the magazine."Let's see the pretty book,"he said.

She gave it to him."I'm getting married,Newt,"she said.

"I know," he said."Let's go for a walk."

"I'm awfully busy,Newt,"she said."The wedding is only a week away."

"If we go for a walk," he said,"it will make you rosy.It will make you a rosy bride."He turned the pages of the magazine."A rosy bride like her--like her--like her," he said,showing her rosy brides.

Catharine turned rosy,thinking about rosy brides.

"That will be my person to Henry Stewart Chasens," said Newt."By talking you for a walk,I'll be giving him a rosy bride."

"You know his name?" said Catharine.

"Mother wrote,"he said."Form Pittsburgh?"

"Yes,"she said."You'd like him."

"Maybe," he said.

"Can--can you come to the wedding,Newt?" she said.

"That I doubt."he said.

"Your furlough isn't for long enough?"she said.

"Furlough?"said Newt.He was studying a twopage ad for flat silver."I'm not on furlough,"he said.

"Oh?" she said.

"I'm what they call A.W.O.L.," said Newt.

"Oh,Newt!You're not!" she siad.

"Sure I am,"he said,still looking at the magazine.

"Why,Newt?" she said.

"I had to find out what your silver pattern is,"he said.He read names of silver pat- terns from the magazine."Albermarle?Heather?"he said."Legend?Rambler Rose?" He looked up,smile."I plan to give you and your husband a spoon,"he said.

"Newt,Newt--tell me really,"she said.

"I want to go for a walk,"he said.

She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish."Oh,Newt--you're fooling me about be- ing A.W.O.L.,"she said.

Newt imitated police siren softly,raised his eyebrows.

"Where--where from?" she said.

"Fort Bragg," he said.

"North Carolina?" she said.

"That all right,"he said."Near Fayetteville--where Scarlett O'Hara went to school."

"How did you get here,Newt?" she said.

He raised his thumb,jerked it in a hitchhike gesture."Two days," he said.

"Dose your mother know?"she said.

"I didn't come to see my mother,"he told her.

"Who did you come to see?" she said.

"You," he said.

"Why me?"she said.

"Because I love you,"he said."Now can we take a walk?"he said."One foot in front of the other--through leaver,over bridges--"

They were talking the walk now,were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor.

Catharine was angry and rattled,close to tears."Newt,"she said,"this is absolutely crazy."

"HOw so?"said Newt.

"What a crazy time to tell me you love me,"she said."You never talked that way before."She stopped walking.

"Let's keep walking,"he said.

"No,"she said."So far,no farther.I shouldn't have come out with you at all,"she said.

"You did,"he said.

"To get you out of the house,"she said."If somebody walked in and heard you talk- ing to me that way,a week before the wedding--"

"What would they think?"he said.

"They'd think you were crazy,"she said.

"Why?"he said.

Catharine took a deep breath,made a speech."Let me say that I'm deeply honored by this crazy thing you've done,"she said."I can't believe you're really A.W.O.L., but maybe you are.I can't believe you really love me,but maybe you do.But--"

"I do,"said Newt.

"Well,I'm deeply honored,"said Catharine,"and I'm very fond of you as a friend,Newt,extremely fond--but it's just too late."She took a step away from him. "You've never even kissed me,"she said,and she protected herself with her hands."I don't mean you should do it now.I just mean this is all so unexpected.I haven't got the remotest idea of how to respond."

"Just walk some more,"he said."Have a nice time."

They started walking again.

"How did you expect me to react?" she said.

"How would I know what to expect?"he said."I've never done anything like this before."

"Did you think I would throw myself into you arms?"she said.

"Maybe,"he said.

"I'm sorry to disappointed you,"she said.

"I'm not disappointed,"he said."I wasn't counting on it.This is very nice,just walking."

Catharine stopped again."You know what happens next?"she said.

"Nope,"he said.

"We shake hands,"she said."We shake hands and part friends,"she said."That's what happens next."

Newt nodded."All right,"he said."Remember me from time to time.Remember how much I love you."

Involuntarily,Catharine burst into tears.She turned her back to Newt,looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods.

"what does that mean?"said Newt.

"Rage!"said Catharine.she clenched her hands."You have no right--"

"I had to find out,"he said.

"If I'd loved you,"she said,"I would have let you know before now."

"You would?"he said.

"Yes,"she said.She faced him,looked up at him,her face quite red."You would have known,"she said.

"How?"he said.

"You would have seen it,"she said."Would aren't very clever at hiding it."

Newt looked closely at Catharine's face now.To her distress,she realized that what she had said was true,that a woman couldn't hide love.

Newt was seeing love now.

And he did what he had to do.He kissed her.

"You're hell to get along with!"she said when Newt let her go.

"I am?"said Newt.

"You shouldn't have done that,"she said.

"You didn't like it?"he said.

"What did you expect,"she said--"wild,abandoned passion?"

"I keep telling you,"he said,"I never know what's going to happen next."

"We say good-by,"she said.

He frowned slightly."All right,"he said.

she made another speech."I'm not sorry we kissed,"she said."That was sweet.We should have kissed,we've been so close.I'll always remember you,Newt,and good luck."

"You too,"he said.

"Thank you,Newt,"she said.

"Thirty days,"he said.

"What?"she said.

"Thirty days in the stockade,"he said--"that's what one kiss will cost me."

"I--I'm sorry,"she said,"but I didn't ask you to go A.W.O.L."

"I know,"he said.

"You certainly don't deserve any hero's reward for doing something as foolish as that,"she said.

"Must be nice to be a hero,"said Newt."Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?"

"He might be,if he got the chance,"said Catharine.She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again.That farewell had been forgotten.

"You really love him?"he said.

"Certainly I love him!"she said hotly."I would not marry him if I didn't love him!"

"What's good about him?"said Newt.

"Honestly!"she cried,stopping again."Do you have any idea how offensive you're being?Many,many,many things are good about Henry!Yes,"she said,"and many, many,many things are probably bad too.But that isn't any of your business.I love Henry,and I don't have to argue his merits with you!"

"Sorry,"said Newt.

"Honestly!"said Catharine.

Newt kissed her again.He kissed her again because she wanted him to.

They were now in a large orchard.

"How did we get so far from home,Newt?"said Catharine.

"One foot in front of the other--through leaves,over bridges,"said Newt.

"They add up--the steps,"she said.

Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.

"School for the blind,"said Newt.

"School for the blind,"said Catharine.She shook her head in drowsy wonder."I've got to go back now,"she said.

"Say good-by,"said Newt.

"Every time I do,"said Carharine,"I seem to get kissed."

Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree."Sit down,"he said.

"No,"she said.

"I won't touch you,"he said.

"I don't believe you,"she said.

She sat down under another tree,twenty feet away from him.She closed her eyes.

"Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens,"he said.

"What?"she said.

"Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be,"he said.

"All right,I will,"she said.She closed her eyes tighter,caught glimpses of her hus- band-to-be.

Newt yawned.

The bees were humming in the trees,and Catharine almost fell asleep.When she opened her eyes she saw that Newt really was asleep.

He began to snore softly.

Catharine let Newt sleep for an hour,and while he slept she adored him with all her heart.

The shadows of the apple trees grew to the east.The bells in the tower of the school for the blind rang again.

"Chick-a-dee-dee-dee,"went a chickadee.

Somewhere far away an automobile starter nagged and failed,nagged and failed, fell still.

Catharine came out from under her tree,knelt by Newt.

"Newt?"she said.

"H'm?"he said,He opened his eyes.

"Late,"she said.

"Hello,Catharine,"he said.

"Hello,Newt,"she said.

"I love you,"he said.

"I know,"she said.

"Too late,"she said.

He stood,stretched groaningly."A very nice walk."he said.

"I thought so,"she said.

"Part company here?"he said.

"Where will you go?"she said.

"Hitch into town,turn myself in,"he said.

"Good luck,"she said.

"You too,"he said."Marry me,Catharine?"

"No,"she said.

He smiled,stared at her hard for a moment,then walked away quickly.

Catharine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if he stopped and turned now,if he called to her,she would run to him.She would have no choice.

Newt did stop.He did turn.He did call."Catharine,"he called.

She ran to him,put her arms around him,could not speak.

Florida '07

[ from original livejournal post ]i had some time to myself to sit back and do nothing so i thought i'd write a real entry since i haven't done so in a while.
i'm the happiest i've been in years lately, after getting back from a stress-free week in florida.
not that i was working too much at work but i was working too hard, and letting the stress really wear me down. stress at home wore me down a lot too, and i've come to realize in reflection during that week of vacation that my job can't be the center of my energy and life for me, and i'm working on my relationship with my boss. the stress between him and i had me completley down for a while, but i hid a lot of my frustration and pain. i'm learning to step up to the bat when it comes to conflict with him, instead of backing down like i usually would. i'm getting stronger.

i have a new outlook on life, and part of the stress management has to include me getting over a lot of mental obstacles in my head, like my perception of other people's thoughts concerning me. i've had low self esteem all these years (just as far back as i can remember now) and it has really effected me in my thoughts, behaviors, and my relationships with friends and lovers. i've let my poor self image block me from achieving a lot in life, and i believe i'm finally sick of it.

now trying to pull myself out from this extremely deep issue, i'm happy to report my relationship with herbie is going great, and i've come to realize that a lot of the problems we were having weren't actually problems at all, but self-created drama that was an effect again of my behaviors/thoughts. there are some things i'd still like to work on with herbie, but nothing big that can be at all really damaging.

florida was such a blast, i have loads of pictures from there, all of which can be seen on either my facebook, my myspace, or on the photobucket sub-album i had created.

a few of the best pictures from the collection:











i am so sorry i never am thoughtful enough to really get into reading any of my friends's entries here on livejournal land, i've been cutting back on my internet time (for my mental health lol) and simply stick more to myspace and facebook.

if there's anything important any of you need to share with me, please tell me to take a look!

xoxx love to all

From Backdated LJ Entry..

Random thought: Just how many heroic lives of youth from all across our nation will be cut short before there is an end to all of the madness? I pity the poor souls lost of their simple freedom to live, and over what? A simple self-righteous belief belonging to a another being that is different, and because of his actions, evil.

[entry here]

Movies Of Choice

I saw some fucking good movies lately, and all not for the first time:



rolling kansas



detroit rock city




[lmao the last one]

throw momma from the train





as good as it gets